"For a guy like DP, taking a shot is playing the $1/1 at Terry's because he's been hitting" - Colin (at Adam's $4/8 O8 game).

Ego.

It's a poker player's worst enemy. Ego causes more bad poker decisions than reading Harrington on Hold'em. A year ago, that comment by Colin would've pissed me off. A year ago I was still clinging to the delusion that I could play as good as anyone else in the group. I thought that when I was sharp I could outplay anyone else. I mean, you have to believe that, right? Why the fuck would anyone sit at a cash table knowing they were going to get owned? Yet, I did it over and over and over. For years.

One of the biggest stumbling blocks in my poker development has been my generous ego. Win a few pots off Colin or Brian and I feel like Mike McD in Rounders, ready to go blow my load on Teddy KGB. Then I'd go and get crushed a few times and curse my bad luck. After all, I couldn't have been outplayed right? I wasn't outmatched was I? Of course not! Oh, wait, yes I was.

It takes a lot out of a poker player to admit that he simply sucks at a game.  For me, that part of poker that I am terrible at is NLHE cash games.  I've told myself every excuse available to soothe my damaged ego.  Look back into the past two years of my blog, they're all in there.  I had convinced myself that I simply ran bad for three years.  How is that even possible?  I was sure it was because I was at times severely under bankrolled for games.  The problem with that excuse is that I played equally bad when I was flush with bankroll.  I just didn't notice all the losses until they tapped me.  One of the things that has helped me with my cash game decisions is the Poker Journal app for the iPhone.  After installing it, I was finally able to see just how fucking horrible I was.  Not only that, but PJ breaks down for me what games I am getting trounced at.  Guess which ones?  Yes, NLHE cash.  I would play NL for a while, sometimes bank a few wins, then spew it all off.  Then I'd crawl back to LHE and grind up a roll and do it all over again.  My only profitable games are the ones that most everyone agrees I am best at - Limit HE and mix games. 

So, why don't I just play the games I'm best at?  Sounds simple enough, doesn't it?  From a strictly statistical point of view, that's the smartest thing to do.  An investor on Wall Street wouldn't continue to dump money into a stock that he KNEW was a long term loser.  So, why would I dump money in such a manner?  I used to marvel at John (Mr. Data) and the discipline he showed by never playing NLHE cash with us.  He knew it wasn't a profitable game for him, and simply wouldn't play it.  Instead of marveling at him, I should've taken the hint. 

Ego.

I wanted to beat the better guys.  I wanted to be the one doing the owning.  Over the course of the past few months, I have reached a turning point.  I am very serious about pursuing poker as not just a leisure but a source of income.  I just need to overcome my ego.  I have to be able to admit that I am not (by a longshot) the best NLHE cash player in the group.  In fact, I am probably one of the worst.  I always thought that given a large enough roll I could outplay anyone else.  There's been a few things that have happened that have convinced me of how wrong I was.

First, I read a book.  This particular book expounded at length about how willing stupid people are to sit and get cleaned out by "pro" players.  The author was amazed that otherwise smart people would volunteer to sit with pros and lose money to them happily just to say they played with someone that good.  I realized that part of the reason I continued to play with the best players we have is just to maintain that illusion that I was as good as them.  They'd all invite me to games first because I was easy money to them.  The second thing was my lack of bankroll in the past few months.  I'd had to dip into it to clear bills, buy things for the kids, and pay my own expenses.  It was left pretty decimated.  This actually forced my hand - with a bankroll of only a few hundred dollars I simply CAN'T play any NLHE cash games.  I can't afford it.  I had to play limit games - and suddenly I was grinding out a profit.  Consistently.  Add some mix games (except for my bad weekend two weeks ago where I had no business even playing) and I'm actually turning my Poker Journal needle around.

I'm one of the few people in the group that can admit that I am a losing player.  Not that it's a secret, mind you.  I am down overall for the past two years.  90% of it is NLHE cash.  Ask any five people from our group, and all five will tell you they're ahead for the year.  I know a few people (I won't mention names but if you play regularly you can fill in the blanks) who seem to never have a losing session.  They are never down.  They always manage to dig back out when they are stuck.  Every time I ask how they did I hear them say they're up (even when other people at the table agree they were massively stuck).  I understand it though.  No one wants to say they're a loser.  No one wants to face the idea of being a bad player.  It's like the guy who never makes a bad play or never makes a bad call.  Everyone else knows he's full of shit, but he feels like he has to justify his stupid call or he'll lose face.  What more of image do I have to lose?  Everyone agrees (usually behind my back but lately even to my face) that I am a bad player.  So, what will be saved by me continuing to delude myself?  Nothing.

So, I am refocusing.  With my personal situation changing, I have more freedom than ever before in my life.  I am able to take off when I feel like it and go play.  I can take the car and point it at Rivers when the mood strikes me to and play $4/8 all weekend.  I can sniff out the good mix games and festivals and grind them out.  Will I make $1000 at a sitting playing low limit?  No.  Will I finally get my shit together and become a winning player?  I hope so.

Otherwise, what's the point in playing?  Ego?